So once again I've finished watching a movie and I'm a big crying mess. This time, the movie was "Meet Joe Black," with Brad Pitt and Anthony Hopkins. This movie always makes me cry. I can't imagine what I'll be like when my dad dies. I get upset just thinking about it, I'll be a mess when it happens. I'm lucky to have a man like him for a father. I know he won't go soon...he's too healthy for that. But I always hope that he and my mother have 20 or 30 years left in them. Those two deserve to know their grandchildren just as much, if not more, than almost any other people that I know. They've been incredible parents and they deserve the chance to be incredible grandparents. I don't want to have to tell my children how amazing their grandparents were...I want them to know it for themselves. I want to see my dad holding my daughter or son and to see how happy they make him.
I guess first, though, I need someone that I want to have children with, or whose children I want to have. I know that I'm young. I'm just getting a little tired of this single thing. Or maybe it's just that I'm getting a little tired of my location in general. I really don't have anyone here, in the way of friends OR boyfriends, that I care about in more than a passing manner. It's really sad and it makes me really depressed to say that, but it's pretty much true. I haven't found anyone that I've connected with and it makes me sad that I've missed out. Maybe Miami wasn't the right place. It was the free place, but not the place for me to have the best 4 years of my life. I had more fun in high school than I did in college. And most of the fun times I had in college were either had when visiting people I knew in high school, or when out of town on concert trips. And even if I were to look for a guy here, or find a guy here...why would I want to start something when I'm leaving so soon? I'm not staying in Ohio, not even staying anywhere remotely close to Ohio. I'm frankly happy to be leaving, happy to put it behind me. I'd be surprised if I ever find a reason to come back here.
I don't know when I became so anti-social. Ohio's done it to me. It kind of upsets me.
Anyway, I feel pretty pathetic lately. I can barely listen to any of the songs on my iTunes because of various associations (the phrase "pretty pathetic" included). I feel like an idiot and I need to get my shit together. I need to get my life together. I want to get a hold of myself and what I do with myself. My body, I don't know, my everything. I feel shitty and that's part of the reason I just want to keep to myself. I need to feel better about everything in my life. I don't know how to start to go about doing that, but I need to do something. Not sit around here on the computer all day. I doubt that'll happen before graduation, but once I get the fuck out of Ohio, it should get better. I'm excited to go live with Brian, someone that I love and actually want to be around. A new city on the East coast. My own place to live, a close friend who I love, and hopefully many other friends right in the same area. Much closer than they are now, anyway. I need a new start. A kick start to my life. It's hard to believe that I'm graduating in 5 weeks. Insanity.
I have a bunch of shows coming up, which is the only thing I'm looking forward to at this point. Well, good shows and good friends, in some cases.
It's been approximately a year since Dave and I officially broke up.
It's been about a year and a half since he told me he wanted to go "on a break."
And once spring break hits, it'll have been 2 years since the last time I can remember it being good between us.
The times that stick out in my mind are the 3 times I visited him at school during that year, our sophomore year in college. Specifically, I guess, his bed. The first time I visited, we slept on top of it, and it was only for 2 nights. The first night, I got there at 4 something in the morning. His roommate didn't really know if we were together. We climbed into the bed, me on the inside. And just as I was settling down to go to sleep, he put his finger under my chin and tilted my face up to his, and he kissed me. That moment is vivid in my mind.
The next time I visited, it was his birthday. His 20th birthday, and I almost didn't make it there, but ended up flying in. I remember feeling so secure during that trip. We did things together all day, and we slept together every night. I remember him on his back, and me with my head on his chest. Falling asleep with him was so wonderful.
The last time I visited, it was during my spring break. He had classes all week. I went to a couple with him. He'd wake up in the morning to go to class. I'd wake up and give him a kiss, and then fall back asleep while he was gone. When he came back he'd wake me up. I remember waking up and Dave was facing away from me, on his side. I curled up against his back, kissing his shoulder and neck, and touching his skin. Usually I'm the little spoon, but in this case, I was glad to be the big one.
I probably remember these times because they were the only times I saw Dave during that year, although we were pretty much "together." I don't really recall times during Thanksgiving and Christmas where we were back home. And then summer '04 came, and things weren't good. I knew they weren't.
I don't know why all of the sudden reminiscing. I feel a crossroads in my life is fast approacing with graduation. Is Dave a part of my past? Have I put him behind me? Is it good that it doesn't hurt as much anymore? I don't know. I don't know anything. I feel like it's hard to tell since I'm away from him so much. How would I feel if he was here all the time? I know how his CD made me feel. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see what happens. All I know is that those 3 times that I visited him at school...those were 3 perfect visits. And I loved life, and I loved Dave, so much during those times. And I felt loved, I felt happy with myself.
Is it weird that I don't know how I feel about Dave?
I think I'm really lonely. You know...male companionship-wise. Not like...desperately depressed-wise.
It's Friday morning and I'm wasting time until I have to go to class. After class I am leaving for the Great Oneonta Dash-adventure! Exciting stuff. Should be a big party. And the show will be good, too. Haha. I'm super psyched now that Chris is playing a show on my birthday in Chicago. I'm...definitely going. I have to go. It's my birthday show. Not many people get a Carrabba solo show on their birthday.
Other than that, nothing too exciting. I have tests coming up in the next 2 weeks for my classes, so that's...fun. Anatomy and 184 are proving to be interesting classes (or I'm just a nerd), but The Meaning of Leisure is booooooring stuff. I think I just hate the classroom that I have it in. I hate the desks and I hate that it's always freeeeeezing in there.
My sister told me last night that I'm crazy for driving to NY to see Dashboard. I just said "Thank you!" Pssht. People.
| Albus Dumbledore |
You scored 87% knowledge and 76% obsession!
| "It is our choices Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." |
Supreme Mugwump, indeed! You have proven yourself to
be extremely knowledgable in every part of the wizarding world. You
have always been invested 100% to the cause. Your biggest fault may be
that you are overly trustful of others around you. You may be so
wrapped up in all things Potter than you overlook dangers. Be careful
not to care too much - it could lead to disasterous problems.
As long as you remain objective, you are an unstoppable force. Your
intelligence, courage, and sharp-mindedness make you a person everyone
| My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: |
|You scored higher than 89% on knowledge|
|You scored higher than 86% on obsession|
Okay, I'm done, I promise.
| The Tragic Genius |
You scored 87% on Friends expertise!
Wow! If you've done this well, you probably see the world through NBC
colored glasses. You have Monica's attention to detail, and because of
the amount of time you've spent in front of the television, will
probably need Joey's raw animal magnetism to ever get laid. Do you ever
make a joke with an allusion to Friends and laugh hysterically only to
find that everyone else is quiet, uncomfortable, and giving you a
strange look? If so, you should really come hang out with me because
that happens to me a lot and I'd like for someone to finally be
laughing with me. We'll play Friends trivia, cry while eating, and
consider every one else's opinion of us moo. Like a cow's opinion.
| My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: |
|You scored higher than 50% on expertise|
| Hermione |
Quills down! You scored 92%!
You know damn near every word of every book. You are among the
brightest witches (or wizards) of your age, and you will go far. Just
watch out you don't get points off for being an insufferable
| My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: |
|You scored higher than 76% on potterpoints|
|You scored higher than 75% on RandHness|
Haha. Anyway, today has been going well. I'm doing better with the whole diet/working out thing. Yay for that. Getting in shape is a must. I got Brian's birthday present today in the mail. It was a huge box, but he just packed it like that so that the poster he got for me wouldn't get squished or bent or crunched. He also got me the DVD of The Little Rascals! Joy, rapture. I love that movie. I miss that kid. He's so great, such a great friend. Always ready with a hug, and I swear, he could brighten the blackest day. No idea how a kid with 2 brothers could have come out so sensitive and loving and wonderful, but he did. I wish he would come to the Dashboard show. Which, by the way, I am way excited for.
Too bad I hate gas prices right now.
Another gruesome dream. This time, something was chasing me and someone else, I think. It was like, a high speed chase. I think maybe a helicopter was tracking us? Anyway, we got in this horrific crash and the other person ended up with glass in their face and hands, bleeding everywhere. And I was injured, but not as seriously. So then this random person from the SA message boards (I know...random) shows up and starts driving us to the hospital, except that we don't go to the hospital, because now we're back in Trumbull and she wants to show us this area in the town next over. So she's trying to find it, but then she can't and I say we have to go to the hospital. Then, we end up driving behind this person who's on a tube, coming from the lake where they were just tubing. And they're just driving the tube down the road.
Okay, I have my first aerobic dance class today. Should be interesting.
So, I keep having these recurring dreams where there are these killer bears that just rip people apart, and eat them alive. You can't kill them, not even with a gun. All you can do is run and hide. And if they see you, they're probably going to eat you. It's really scary to have a dream about creatures like them. So what does the dream mean? I'm trying to run from something that I'm never going to be able to get rid of or avoid?
I get to see Christopher tonight. I'm excited. Should be an awesome time.
"I'll tell you what: If that's a line I can cross, once I get there, I'm not ever leaving..."
That line has kind of been haunting me. It makes me think of Dave. I can't decide if I think it's true or not. We crossed the friendship line almost 5 years ago now...can you ever leave once you cross that line? Are me and Dave ever going to be just friends? I mean...we are now, but sometimes I can't see myself with anyone else but him for the rest of my life. I try to look down the road and all I can see is the two of us getting back together again, at some point, whenever it is.
RockSolidGURL (1:01:47 AM): it's getting really depressing for me
RockSolidGURL (1:01:54 AM): ha
BriDMB798 (1:01:57 AM): aww really :-(?
RockSolidGURL (1:02:01 AM): i mean...not really. i'm not depressed
RockSolidGURL (1:02:05 AM): but like
BriDMB798 (1:02:06 AM): yeah i know what u mean
RockSolidGURL (1:02:12 AM): i feel like everywhere i look people are in love
BriDMB798 (1:02:19 AM): like who?
BriDMB798 (1:02:21 AM): kel and mike?
RockSolidGURL (1:02:25 AM): and i just...want something to make me believe that i can be okay without dave.
BriDMB798 (1:02:31 AM): yeah i know what u mean
RockSolidGURL (1:02:35 AM): ya know? because i feel like he's fine.
RockSolidGURL (1:02:44 AM): not that i'm pining for him, cause it's not that
BriDMB798 (1:02:46 AM): yeah
RockSolidGURL (1:02:47 AM): it's just like
RockSolidGURL (1:02:54 AM): am i ever gonna know a person like i know him?
BriDMB798 (1:02:54 AM): you just need to know that it can happen with somebody else
BriDMB798 (1:02:58 AM): exactly
So yea...that's how I kind of feel about Dave right now. I don't particularly want him back. It doesn't feel like after freshman year, when I just wanted him back, and it ached in my heart, and I couldn't be near him without thinking about it. Actually, being friends with him has been really great. We've had fun. And I feel okay with him. But I still feel like it's hard to imagine myself with anyone else. And like I'm kind of...waiting for it to hit him or me again. I don't know. It's all very confusing. Because then there's what happened yesterday.
Yesterday I gave Fraser, my co-counselor this past week (while Kristen was on vacation) a ride home from camp. He lives in Easton. We've had sexual tension and flirtiness all week, but it was kind of freaking me out because he's only 16 (he turns 17 next month, September 11th.) And so yea...here I am, at his house, and his parents aren't home. He shows me around and stuff, and I can kind of guess that he's trying to get something to happen, because he keeps tickling me and touching me and the like. So I'm half avoiding it because he's so young and all that, but finally we get in a semi-wrestling match over my sunglasses when I'm about to leave, and I just stop caring and we start kissing. And the kissing is good. So oy, I made out with a 16 year old. Does that make me creepy? I don't really care, because he's hysterically funny, and plays 3 instruments, and sings to boot. He has long hair, which I've never really liked on boys, but somehow on him, it works out. And he has beautiful slate blue eyes. He's just fun and I felt cared about for the first time in forever when he looked into my eyes. Sometimes I feel like I'm being a tool for thinking things like that, but it's how I feel. And it's weird. It feels nice. And now I've spent the last hour thinking about this kid and it's freaking me out that I am thinking about him. He's on vacation in Idaho for 2 weeks, and I'm leaving for college in less than one. I'm probably never going to see him again. Oy. And I don't know his cell phone number. But he's like...in my head. Rawr! It's probably just infatuation. And like...giddyness over the first kissing I've had in a while, that's made me feel like this. Well...maybe I'm lying. Did I feel this way the first time after Steve and I kissed? That was only like...a month ago. But let's see, that was drunk kissing. This wasn't. I don't know. I'm all confused and probably just being stupid. But I had to bring this journal back from the dead, because I had a lot on my mind. I'm going to leave the journal with this thought from the same convo as above:
RockSolidGURL (1:08:52 AM): right now i just want closeness
RockSolidGURL (1:08:57 AM): and to be able to just lay with someone
RockSolidGURL (1:09:00 AM): watch a movie
RockSolidGURL (1:09:03 AM): be comfortable
RockSolidGURL (1:09:09 AM): get a hug when i want one
RockSolidGURL (1:09:14 AM): a forehead kiss, perhaps
RockSolidGURL (1:09:20 AM): and i want to feel cared about.
My icon is being very true right now.
"What you have helps me turn down
the noise that I make..."
Blah. I've been thinking about Dave muchly as of late. I think I've been avoiding it, but it's coming up in my head because of his inevitable return from the land down under. I can't tell if I miss him as a boyfriend, or just as a friend, or if I even miss him at all. I think all the thinking about him and stuff justifies that I miss him, but since it doesn't ache, does that mean that I only miss him as a friend misses another friend? Oy. I think I've been avoiding because I don't want it to be weird when he comes back. I just want it to be friendly and friends and BEST friends between us. And good, and not awkward. And I just want him to be able to act however around me, and me the same around him. Hopefully it will be okay.
I just watched the episode of Sex and the City when Aiden and Carrie get back together for the 2nd time, when Aiden is all short hair and super tall and sexy. And he comes to her apartment late at night and they just have to have each other and they can't hold it in anymore. It's just like...a boiling point. And seeing that made me think of when me and Dave got back together that one night between freshman and sophmore year. It was just...it felt so good to finally not be holding back, but at the same time, it HURT. In my heart. It was just...an ache. And it was rediculous and I hope everyone can have that feeling at some point in their life. It might not be the happiest feeling or the most desirable, but it's just such a release and it feels so GOOD to know that someone you've been wanting wants you back, too. And that you don't need to hold it back anymore. And even though you have no idea what's going to happen the next morning, you know you're facing it together.
P.S.- I saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith tonight, and I loved it. And I am not ashamed.
I had a Carrabba dream last night. That man needs to schedule some shows, because he's playing in my dreams and I feel like a creep. Chris, schedule some none festival shows on the east coast!
I need to stop eating late at night.
I've started working out and being active again, so now I need to focus on the eating.
Boo. This last like...week (!!!!) of school is going to SUCK ASS. And then the 5 days of Dashboozle will be glorious. And then 3 days of finals will SUCK ASS. And then I get to go home to CT and go to many many many glorious concerts. And I can't. fucking. wait.
Whoa...tonight has been a blast from the past. This song...such memories. Sitting on the bus on the way to or back from ski trips. Me and Bri knowing all the words, singing along. "Tear you up in little pieces, swallow you like Reese's Pieces..." Haha. So cheesy. But so nostalgic. We had such good times back then. I love Bri so much.
I've been listening to ballads and such all night long. Songs from high school that are meaningful enough to me to stick around on my computer, whether they be silly or romantically linked or just good songs...I've just been listening to them tonight. It's kind of funny. I like listening to this stuff late at night.
And then Cody randomly IM'd me...yikes. I haven't talked to him in like...2 years? It was kind of just normal talking to him, though. He was nice. I wonder what he looks like now. What he's been doing with himself since we stopped talking. He didn't ask me about Dave or anything. Actually, we only talked for MAYBE 5 minutes. Maybe less. But it was weird, nonetheless.
I feel like I've been listening to the same 2 or 3 artists for a couple weeks now. I need some new musica. It's hard without downloading capacities, though. I'm trying to save for Bamboozle, and so spending money on anything is hard to convince myself to do. I just bought the Rilo Kiley tix, too, and those were about 46 bucks, for two. I have to buy a Good Life ticket, too. Yikes. Too many shows. Psssht...as if I'd ever miss them.
Okay. I should have been in bed 3 hours ago.
Oh yea, I'm totally on the Weezer street team. Free stuff, bitches! And lots of Weezer promoting, of course.
Whoa...Max Bemis dreams. CRAZY Max Bemis dreams. We like...hung out and stuff. He was walking around in the park by my house in CT. And then we crossed the street. I think I was with Steve. And there were like 12,000 little girls getting ready for a "Fourstreet Four" concert or something, at some place that was right near the Webster, which is where we were going to see Max play. We were gonna go eat with Max but we lost him in the sea of little girls (how's that for an allegory of his recent signing to a major label?). But we found him later and hung out. Talked about stuff, in like the lobby of this place, it looked like a movie theater concession stand. And he touched this necklace that I had around my neck, and asked if it was for my probation. WEIRD! And then he was talking about his girlfriend, and about how she had a teddy bear and always slept with it and how it always ended up rammed up again him while HE was sleeping. And that there was a picture of him sleeping with the teddy bear and about how it didn't make him look like a rockstar. Ha! And then I lost him again and was trying to find him in the big lobby because I wanted to tell him something. I don't remember much more. I like having dreams.
Okay, get ready for class.
01). Total volume of music files on my computer: 7.55GB
02). The last CD I bought was: Damien Rice - B-Sides
03). The last song I listened to before writing this was: Lovers Need Lawyers - The Good Life
04). Song playing right now: North Of San Diego - The Last Train
05). Five songs I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me:
"Anyone, Anyone" Dashboard Confessional
"The Futile" Say Anything
"I Will Play My Game Beneath The Spin Light" Brand New
"Only In Dreams" Weezer
"A Lack of Color" Death Cab For Cutie
RockSolidGURL: i im'd my friend who doesn't know say anything earlier
RockSolidGURL: and i was just typing lyrics at him
RockSolidGURL: "when i watch you"
RockSolidGURL: "want to do you"
RockSolidGURL: "right wher eyou're standing!"
Midnightlight: ha! i love that part
RockSolidGURL: i know
RockSolidGURL: it's so funny to people who dont know it
RockSolidGURL: and then i said the treblinkah part
RockSolidGURL: and he was like, um isnt that a concentration camp?
Midnightlight: ha. yeah. one of my friends said that to me when i said it to her.
Midnightlight: ah, i love it.
RockSolidGURL: i was like, you dont get it
RockSolidGURL: you dont get the genius!
Midnightlight: ha. and too bad. 'cause their missin out!
Dude. Monique totally gets it. I am completely and utterly in love with Say Anything right now. I can't get enough.
Oh yea, and Jeff called me at like...1:30am. He was walking back from uptown. Apparently it's Dad's Weekend for them, so he was with his father earlier tonight. No matter, I went to Borders to read for free. But anyway, we talked for like, half an hour. He confuses me, I don't know if he likes me or if he's just toying with me, if he's just using me for play, or what! Gar. Boys are confusing. Especially Jeff.
And where the fuck is Dave? He's been in New Zealand all week cuz they had spring break, but I thought they'd be home by now.
We lost our soccer game tonight, to the shittiest team ever. It's so frustrating. We were 2 men down for most of the game and the fields were awful. It wasn't even soccer we were playing out there, it was kick and run and pass and hope-it-gets-to-the-person-I-aimed-for. So now we're out of the tournament, WTF. So annoying. So I was so angry when I came back that I went out running for 20 or 25 minutes. Good! Running is good. I'm seriously doing this now, running, getting back in shape. I HAVE TO. I can't let myself go. I would hate myself. So no more crap...especially glazed donuts, Coke, and onion rings. NO MORE!
Talked to Jeff tonight, online. I don't know what's going on with him. I saw him last Saturday but it was kind of weird. Then he didn't call me all week. And then I saw him tonight at the soccer fields, called his name, and just kind of waved in passing. Then I talked to him online, and he's like "Okay baby, gotta jet." Weird, I don't know what's happening and I don't know if I really care.
Hmmm...I hope all this isn't starting again. Pining is no fun. Unrequited love sucks...so no. I won't!
I leave you with words from my friend Monique's away message, from one of the awesome new Say Anything demos:
baby, you don't wanna make me cry or i will fill you with the emptiness inside. OKAY, ALRIGHT! baby, you don't wanna say goodbye or i will soak you in this rich formaldehyde. 'cause you're beautiful tonight and the stars are burning bright. and i give this curse to you like there's nothing else to do. so let the purple sky explode! let it shower us with TOADS! let the scarlet river flood! so it can drown us all in blood!